Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
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Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
me logging onto twitter
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.