I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
i now pronounce you bounced.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Everyone’s family
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
A double negative is a big no-no.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA