Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
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Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Something Saturday.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Nice try, poison.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?