iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Dear Lord..
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.