Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.