To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
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Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you