EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?