[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
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I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My daughter: I know everything
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My daughter: that’s a secret
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
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PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
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[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
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me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
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me: absolutely not
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The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?