When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My dad is at it again
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER