interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War