(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
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Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.