Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
bad news gang
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure