I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
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If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.