[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
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Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.