Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Dammit Chief not again
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?