I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
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[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.