I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
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Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”