triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
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[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
barbara was highly relatable
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.