i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”