Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.