Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Oh hi lol
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”