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Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Body by sandwich.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean