waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
New Tinder profile.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)