Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
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POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
gentlemen, hear me out
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I identify as an antique shop.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off