Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
you will never know the true number of layers
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!