Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
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It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
watergate? u mean a dam??
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out