Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
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The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Living the best life.. 😊
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Don’t snitch tag.
We have a winner.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”