kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Autocorrect is my menesis
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…