Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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can’t bark with your mouth full
worst…sale…ever
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.