Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
The second world war should have been called world war returns
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD