Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
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– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My Sentiments Exactly
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?