I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
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Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.