*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
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At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
When you’re here for the treats.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming