them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
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Hot hot hot 🥵
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
How long do you have to wait between naps?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!