My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.