I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.