Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
You Might Also Like
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.