Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
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If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
This kid will have a bright future.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?