If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline