Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Yoga Matt
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.