Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
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Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex