My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
If only
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.