A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
You Might Also Like
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The symmetry is uncanny.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t