Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.