I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.