I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
You Might Also Like
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Ion see the issue
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
This did not end as expected.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”