I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
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I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Lmao 🤣
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
#Caturday
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler