If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
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My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?