Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
These 3D printers are insane!
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*