I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
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Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.